Beberapa minggu ni aku rase idup aku akan mengalami perubahan untuk kesekian kalinya.. n ternyata apa yg aku rase tuh menjadi kenyataan.. sad but true.. arghh.. sometimes even though we realized that life is so unpredictable, we just can't accept the truth... and that's what happened to me..
Guess what? i'm working on nite shift.. with Guna (i think this is our 2nd nite.. heheh).. he's asleep not so soundly.. bila dengar dia batuk camtu, buat aku teringat sst yg aku taknak ingat.. aarghh.. kusut tul kepala aku skang ni.. aku tau aku kene buat keputusan dalam menentukan idup aku.. aku tau aku kene tegas ngan ape yg aku dah pk kan.. tapi.. iiskk nape mesti ade perkataan "tapi" ehh?? shit...
Pagi 2 or 3 ari lepas, aku mmg tak betul rasenye.. aku xtau ape aku pk or ape yg aku ingat sampai aku terjatuh padahal kaki aku takde tersadung apaper.. sakitnye laa lutut aku coz i was landing on all fours.. tapi sakit lagi malu n tebal muka aku.. shit.. sib baik aku pakai jeans.. kalo baju kurung ke ape, mau koyak.. lagik tambah malu.. aku buat tak paham je n terus jalan.. sampai opis, rase mcm nak tercabut kaki aku.. i hate it when i couldn't control my mind and lost control of my movements.. this isn't the first time anyway.. kalo stakat nak jatuh tangga tu, dah slalu la.. chronic kan aku nih...
Right now, i'm about to do the biggest decision in my life.. that decision will affect everything and everyone around me.. whatever decision i choose, i have to make some changes in my life.. i know i might not be fair but every action has its own consequences.. aku akan cuba utk kurangkan org yg akan jadik mangsa keadaan.. dan aku rase akhirnya aku akan mengalah n biarkan diri aku jadi mangsa asalkan semua org gembira dan berpuas hati.. ikhlaskah aku? haihh... kenape kite mcm ni?
I wish everything could go away just like that.. but i guess life is never that easy.. i am willing to forgive.. but i can never forget.. why is it so hard for me to swallow the truth? dear heart, please... i can no longer hold it.. i've tried so hard.. so damn hard.. i hate being in denial.. it's when u know u're wrong, but u deny it.. or when ur heart tells u something right but ur stubborn mind denies it.. contohnya:
diri aku : sudahlahh... dia maksudkan ape yg dia cakap..
hati aku : tak... dia tak maksudkan.. really..
otak aku : sudahh laa korang, jgn gaduh.. aku dah pening ni..!!
kat situ je korang lehh bayangkan betapa kacau nye jiwa org yg in denial ni.. tuh baru satu contoh.. kalo banyak persoalan dan denials mcm yg aku lalui ni, lagi la.. ade sorang kawan aku yg menyaksikan kekacauan jiwa aku ni kate dia kagum ngan aku.. coz aku tetibe leh diam n nangis pastuh aku leh benti nangis n sembang ngan dia as if tade ape yg berlaku.. aren't we all great actors? errmm...
... and i'll be the first to go.. don't wanna be the last to know..
